[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
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Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
*puts words between two asterisks*
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.