Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Coke is just cherry coke after it’s lost its virginity.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.