Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?