Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

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Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.


Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.


When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.


ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station


Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*


Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”


I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*


When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.