ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
In order to prepare for the future, I’m going to practice wearing adult diapers. But only when I’m drinking.
man: you’re beautiful
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks