Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I have so many questions.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Happy thanksgiving
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*