@jimmytorosian

[Writing Silence of the Lambs]

Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?

Jim: Hannibal?

Anyone?

Jim: Hannibal

Anyone other than Jim?

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@HallpassCanada

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

@dyldonot

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

@impaulmccoy

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

@ZAKagan

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

@blahdevivre

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

@parkersJoking

Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”

@lazerdoov

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

@Grommit56

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.