Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[Writing Silence of the Lambs]
Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?
Anyone other than Jim?
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you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.