Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.