[Writing Silence of the Lambs]

Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?

Jim: Hannibal?


Jim: Hannibal

Anyone other than Jim?

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Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.


RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?


Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.


I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.


BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels


(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for


Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”


Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints


Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.