Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
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my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer