Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

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Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.


Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.


Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.


I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account

“Great. What’s the name of your former bank?”

I said, “Piggy”


My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”


Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.


I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.


ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed


son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace


How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?