Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
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I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me