Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
The honesty is refreshing
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.