Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.