Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
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[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in