How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE
Wrong answers only
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Me: lets go on a date
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
When does the jogging end… surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner
My home state just announced a new drug awareness campaign.
Here it is.
KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car