Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?