Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
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Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.