Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.