I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
You Might Also Like
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.