@mejustbeth

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

@MsTexas1967

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

@aissalanis

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

@OctopusCaveman

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

@famouscrab

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

@WilliamAder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.