Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

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[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?


Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!


Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit


Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.


I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected


What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.


My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.


“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match


Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.