Wife: This is terrible.
Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Siri: Retweet me.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.