Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ericsshadow

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

@MissHavisham

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

@TheAlexP

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

@roxiqt

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

@angelizaj

Canada.

Because I love being cold 95% of my life.

@pilau

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

@BeagirlNJ

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

@Kids_kubed

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

@dmc1138

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

@ddsmidt

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.