Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
No. Still the wrong hole.
Only ONE in each hole!
Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.
-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
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*goes down on escalator
Escalator: I have a boyfriend
Band:Make some noise!
Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?!
B:I cant hear u!
M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”