@DumbConfessions

Wrong hole.

No. Still the wrong hole.

Only ONE in each hole!

Ugh. Here! I’ll show you.

-Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.

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@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

@AndrewNadeau0

Band:Make some noise!
Crowd:WOOO!
Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?!
B:I cant hear u!
C:WOOO!
M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!

@Staggfilms

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

@ktmcburr

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

@TrendsZim

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

@fanofhell

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

@GingerHotDish

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

@pizza_dragon

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”