@heyevergreen

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

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@peteholmes

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

@dyldonot

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

@MattOswaltVA

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

@TheTweetOfGod

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

@ArchiePeeler

If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you’ll always have quarters.

@BevisSimpson

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

@hermanntrude

The Flintstones had cars, record players, TV, radio, helicopters, lawn mowers…

but not shoes.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.