Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Perfect
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”