Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

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Priest: I will now dip the child in the Holy Water

Me (just watched a hot dog eating contest): That makes em go down your throat faster


Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.


Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?


*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*


Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’


*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*


Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”


[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim


Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.