Priest: I will now dip the child in the Holy Water
Me (just watched a hot dog eating contest): That makes em go down your throat faster
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
he’s so proud of his haul.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.