Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”