It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
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6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no