Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

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If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?


Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.


When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.


Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.


“Bye, losers.”
*puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses*
*rides unicycle into an elevator*
“Can you push the button for the lobby please.”


If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.


*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*


GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*