@DrakeGatsby

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

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@loribuckmajor

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

@shatterpants

When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.

@Book_Krazy

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

@ch000ch

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

@gerryhatric

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

@AdamTheLobster

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

@iGreenMonk

She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight?

Me: But darling i’m a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?