Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.