Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
She: We are having my mother For dinner tonight?
Me: But darling i’m a vegetarian. . how can i eat her?