WTF IS THAT!
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Can’t. Being lazy.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.