@MensHumor

WTF IS THAT!

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@Kryzazy

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

@omically

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

@thatUPSdude

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.

@KKAlThani

I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like “Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?” & we stay up talking about it.

@ItsAndyRyan

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

@flashember

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

@AudreyPorne

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

@stevemarriott

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

@KentWGraham

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.