@MensHumor

WTF IS THAT!

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@LuvPug

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

@shopkins776

*hand grenades*
*blow torch*
*AK 47*
*sulfuric acid*
*ninja training*

My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.

@WorldofWid

Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.

@Laser_Cat

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

@saramvalentine

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

@Spaziotwat

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

@Asbo_Unicorn

Unicorns have one horn and everyone says “ooh they’re so magical” Cow’s have 2 horns & no one cares even though they taste so much better

@donni

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”