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If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.


“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime


Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.


I hate when I decide to sleep and my brain goes like “Come back here! Remember that thing you did, why?” & we stay up talking about it.


Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy


GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok


Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*


Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst


I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.