me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?