@iwearaonesie

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

@Swishergirl24

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

@sarcasticmommy4

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

@iLightbulb

Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead

@dad_on_my_feet

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

@just1fool

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”

@Robert_Beau

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

@copymama

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.