“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room