Me: Did you use my highlighter?
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let’s sing that instead
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”
*Pulls out carrot
“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.