Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes


I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.


Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.


Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.


A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.


That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.


I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.


History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”