My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?
I hate parrot teacher conferences
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.