Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
going to the ER y’all need anything
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.