@StellaRtwot

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

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@rickolantern

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

@MyPornKhan

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

@ArielDumas

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

@Sweetonme81

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

@Adam14

A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

@LilFlaOrange30

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

@Stevie_Talk

I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.

@GinRumMe

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”