@StellaRtwot

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

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@P1ssed_K1d

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

@carlielyn

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

@WheelTod

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

@RodLacroix

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences

@BoomBoomBetty

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

@Divergentmama

My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.

@richwilens

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

@SJSchauer

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.