WTF NEW YORK?!?!?! I carried a paper grocery bag with a baguette in it for BLOCKS and NOBODY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.

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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.


a gang that’s all undercover cops but they all think they’re the only undercover cop in the gang


My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.


Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.


The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?


Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol


When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can


CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.


I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.


Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.