@ashleyn1cole

WTF NEW YORK?!?!?! I carried a paper grocery bag with a baguette in it for BLOCKS and NOBODY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

@nwntwrth

a gang that’s all undercover cops but they all think they’re the only undercover cop in the gang

@MythicPicnic

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

@Marcmywords2

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

@jamitupin

The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?

@GrantTanaka

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

@Smooheed

When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can

@SirEviscerate

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

@Dani_Feld

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

@Lisabug74

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.