@NetHistorian

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

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@celiafink

“I’m not like other girls,” she said dipping her lipstick into a bowl of ranch dressing and eating it whole

@Sanbel11

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

@robfee

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

@onion_an

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

@ArfMeasures

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

@blade_funner

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

@TheTweetOfGod

People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.

@TheMichaelRock

An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

@notacroc

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies