Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

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“I’m not like other girls,” she said dipping her lipstick into a bowl of ranch dressing and eating it whole


I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.


I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*


1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider


*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out



Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?


People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.


An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.


WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies