@NetHistorian

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

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@DaddyJew

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

@Browtweaten

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

@Henry_3000

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

@RdrJay47

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

@sweet_pea707

Me: I’m feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over?

Him:…

Me: Good answer

@trentistweeting

[interview]
My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome

@50FirstTates

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

@panmidwest

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

@WilliamAder

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”