The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*tries to learn from mistakes*
hey, teach me something
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me: I’m feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over?
Me: Good answer
My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
me: [873 years old] motherfu
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”