@celiafink “I’m not like other girls,” she said dipping her lipstick into a bowl of ranch dressing and eating it whole
@NetHistorian Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
You Might Also Like
@celiafink 
@Sanbel11 I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
@robfee I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
@onion_an 1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
@ArfMeasures *burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
@blade_funner [GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
@TheTweetOfGod People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.
@TheMichaelRock An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
@notacroc WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
@VanDiablo LOL!
