Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

You Might Also Like


The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff


Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-


Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary


And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.


*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something


Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.


Me: I’m feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over?


Me: Good answer


My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome


me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu


USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely


When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”