WTF
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“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣