@Darlainky

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

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@prodigalsam

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”

@Playing_Dad

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

@_salt_n_lime

Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.

@4SLars

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

@LoveNLunchmeat

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

@DanAaronKing

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

@Parkerlawyer

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

@MissyFRose

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

@junejuly12

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@ninjadinosaur1

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.