WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
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Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Cheer up.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine