*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
You Might Also Like
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
What do you hear?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.