Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
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I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I am having an out of money experience.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.