What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.