Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
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I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on