If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
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I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Finally, a door that understands me
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.