X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
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I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….