X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
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Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would