@sweetmomissa
@jergarl
It’s like my Grandpa used to say ,”The fight with grandma isn’t over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth.”
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@jergarl
@WhaJoTalkinBout
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
@JermHimselfish
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
@matt___nelson
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
@SugarMagicSpice
Batman: Alfred, this tea is cold
Alfred: So are your parents
Batman: What?
Alfred: What?
@_The_Man__
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
@brynnester
Me: *panic buying*
[Later At Home]
Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?
Me: I panicked
@UncleDuke1969
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
@TomatoTomoto1
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
@Reverend_Scott
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.