X-Rays are like regular Rays but they slept with your best friend

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It’s like my Grandpa used to say ,”The fight with grandma isn’t over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth.”


dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?


Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.


[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*


Batman: Alfred, this tea is cold
Alfred: So are your parents
Batman: What?
Alfred: What?


[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.


Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked


[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?


I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores


Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.