The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*