I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.
X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…
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“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?
No? …Oh, you want another beer.