I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
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People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.