[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
2022 be like
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I am patiently waiting for your email
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.