Xylophonist Shredding It
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Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women