@OmarImranTweets

“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”

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@alli_win

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

@okimstillhungry

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

@Cpin42

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

@Landon_TSNTL

The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.

@Sarcasticsapien

The best thing about going on a date with a sarcastic person is that no matter what happens they’re going to tell you they had a great time.

@Just_Lee_

A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.

@mommajessiec

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

@Maxine12333

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

@utofellatio

Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?