“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”

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There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.


I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.


[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi


The Lord moves in mysterious ways but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker.


The best thing about going on a date with a sarcastic person is that no matter what happens they’re going to tell you they had a great time.


A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.


My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.


Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.


Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?