[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“i am a sweet baby”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Autocorrect completely socks
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with