Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.


Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth


“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake


Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire


You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.


Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.


The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.


Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”


one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process


Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.