Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

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My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.


If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door



Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?


volcanologist: move out! this entire area is gonna be covered in lava!

me, standing on a sofa: i think im ok


If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”


i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it


Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.


Pro Tip:
If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says “one second,” wait more than one second before entering.


Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes