My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
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Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?
volcanologist: move out! this entire area is gonna be covered in lava!
me, standing on a sofa: i think im ok
If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says “one second,” wait more than one second before entering.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes