@cravin4

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

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@sheseemslegit

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

@Phook75

If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door

@tigermcleash

Daddy?

Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?

@notnotscotty

volcanologist: move out! this entire area is gonna be covered in lava!

me, standing on a sofa: i think im ok

@DepecheALAmode

If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”

@alovablenerd

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

@ThisOneSayz

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

@MUMSIEesq

Pro Tip:
If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says “one second,” wait more than one second before entering.

@WillMckenzieNot

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes