Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid