Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Yes, but it was never about money
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.