Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
every college guy’s fridge
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em