Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

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My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.


*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*


Hate when I’m being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he’s tied to the back of a tiger.


Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.


Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.


If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.


When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”


Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?