I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?
Me: But do you really have what it takes to be as cool as me?
*coolly tosses cashew high in the air, smoothly catches cashew in trachea, suavely chokes to death on cashew*
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.
Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.
I wonder how many crimes The Muppets have kermitted.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES