@BigRadMachine: Y'all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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@Kyle_Lippert: A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond "Could this night get any worse?" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
@joeljeffrey: I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How's it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: I'm in the mood for dessert *winks at wife* [2 hours later] Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
@DestryBrod: [ My unaired House hunters episode ] Realtor: So what's your budget? Me: My budget? Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you? Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.