Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
seems fine
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.