yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.